Never Been Kissed

To start with, this isn't a review of the movie starring Drew Barrymore. This is about me. I kinda wish my life starred Drew Barrymore, but I'm not that lucky. *Takes a deep breath*

I started writing this blog, in part because I do love to write and I needed an outlet for that, and in part because I wanted a place I could point people too if they wanted to get to know me better. Granted, this place is another way of me letting my typing do my talking, but I think I do that well enough that it can be excused in this instance. I wanted to help people to understand me. I post my rants and rages here, I get annoyed, so does everyone. I post about what I do, and how I feel. I post about my friends, as part of understanding me, is understanding the company I keep and why. But of late I've not really been posting that much about me.

Hence this post. The title refers to, well probably my worst kept secret. I'm turning thirty years old on January 16th. And I've never been kissed. Okay that's not strictly true, I mean my Mum's kissed me, relatives have kissed me, heck a bully named Steven Woodland at school kissed me, simply to get a laugh from everyone else. But a romantic kiss? A passionate kiss? A drunken "you'll do, c'mere" kiss? None of the above. Not even a good luck kiss, a happy new year kiss, or a "ohhh mistletoe" kiss.

Is that a great secret? Maybe, maybe not. So lets not stop there, while I'm baring my soul, lets go for broke. It really isn't that big a step anyway. I mean it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if I've never kissed a girl... I've never gotten any further with one either. So yeah I'm the V word. In a purity test I normally rate in the high 90's percentage wise.

*Breathes out* Well that wasn't so hard to admit, maybe because I've admitted it before to a fair number of people, so I think that took the sting out of the tail of admitting such to the world at large (not that I'm so conceited as to think the world reads my blog). So do I feel like less of a man because I've not scored, pulled, carved a notch in a bedpost etc? I'm honestly not sure. I know back when I was in University in my early twenties, then yeah, I regarded still being a virgin as this great failing on my part. But now?

I think part of the reason why I don't feel that way anymore, is that I have nothing to compare the experience too. If I'd had the kissing, the hugs, the cuddles etc then yeah, I'd be stoked for what comes next. But I've never had any of that, the best time I've ever had with a woman, was a couple hours spent snuggled up on the sofa with my ex-girlfriend Dana watching cartoons. And as much as I'm curious as to what a kiss is like, I'm scared too. Women can be a pretty unforgiving lot, us blokes don't often get a second chance to impress, and being labelled a bad kisser (or bad in bed) is a hard tag to get past for even a young guy.

I'm getting older and I'm not getting any better looking. Despite my optimistic attempts at flirting on Saturday nights, the truth is that I think I am doomed to repeated failure. I have a hang-up about intimacy, because while online I might know what I'm doing in type, in the real world I lack the words and the moves. And as Sunday's episode proved, I lack the courage to change that. And I don't know what to do about that.