Still Never Been Kissed

This is an updated version of the entry "Never Been Kissed", as I felt it useful to post a more current version of that confessional entry.

The title refers to, well probably my worst kept secret. I just turned thirty three years old on January 16th. And I've never been kissed. Okay that's not strictly true, I mean my Mum's kissed me, relatives have kissed me, heck a bully named Steven Woodland at school kissed me, simply to get a laugh from everyone else. But a romantic kiss? A passionate kiss? A drunken "You'll do, c'mere" kiss? None of the above. Not even a good luck kiss, a Happy New Year kiss, or a "Ohhh mistletoe" kiss.

Is that a great secret? Maybe, maybe not. So lets not stop there, while I'm baring my soul, let's go for broke. It really isn't that big a step anyway. I mean it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if I've never kissed a girl... I've never gotten any further with one either. So I'm the V word. In a purity test I normally rate in the high 90's percentage wise.

So do I feel like less of a man because I've not scored, pulled, carved a notch in a bedpost etc? I'm honestly not sure. I know back when I was in University in my early twenties, then yeah, I regarded still being a virgin as this great failing on my part. But now?

I think part of the reason why I don't feel that way anymore, is that I have nothing to compare the experience too. If I'd had the kissing, the hugs, the cuddles etc then yeah, I'd be stoked for what comes next. But I've never had any of that, the best time I've ever had with a woman, was a couple hours spent snuggled up on the sofa with my ex-girlfriend Dana watching cartoons. And as much as I'm curious as to what a kiss is like, I'm scared too. Women can be a pretty unforgiving lot, us blokes don't often get a second chance to impress, and being labelled a bad kisser (or bad in bed) is a hard tag to get past for even a young guy.

I'm getting older and I'm not getting any better looking (at least I don't think so anyway). Perhaps on some cosmic level it all makes sense. I mean all things have an equal and opposite according to Newton's Law anyway. So for all those guys out there who ooze charisma and have women throwing themselves (and various items of their clothing) at them, I guess there have to exist guys like me to balance things out.

This is not to say that I am happy being one of these cosmic balancing acts. Being the nice guy who always finishes last frankly sucks. But try as I might to change things and improve my lot in life, it just never works out. Life it seems has a role for me to play and no matter what I do, it seems that I'm doomed to fill it. Were it not for a promise I stupidly made years ago I would have killed myself by now. I certainly tried a few times to do just that before making it.

More than anything in the world I want someone to share life with, a partner to live, laugh and love with. And I'm so fucking sick and tired of the platitudes people spout to try and cheer me up. Bullshit like "It'll happen when you least expect it" and "There's someone out there for you". Three times now I've fallen in love. Three times now I've had my heart broken.

There is a limit to how much pain anyone can take and I'm at my limit. I can't take the pain, the misery, and most of all the crushing loneliness anymore. I want out. And every day that goes by, that promise holds less and less hold over me. I've never broken my word if it is freely given... first time for everything!

A Letter From Mrs. Mugabe

I've not posted on my blog in a few months now, because nothing much has happened really. Fell for a girl, she wasn't into me, got a bit older, kinda tidied up by debts and frankly that's about it. Ohh and I got a Wii for Xmas which is pretty good fun. However today this letter arrived in my junk mail folder and I just had to post it. Yes it is another scam, but it's really quite an inventive one. Actually I'd love it if this wasn't a scam and was a genuine plea for aid by the real Mrs Mugabe, because if so it would be great if her evil husbands minions found this post and she got caught. I have no sympathy for a woman who is happy to waste millions on designer clothes while her country starves to death and suffers an epidemic outbreak of cholera.

Below, in full, unedited, is the letter I received:

Good day,

I know that this mail might come to you as a surprise as we have not met before,My name is Mrs. Grace Mugabe, the wife of Mr. Robert Mugabe the president of Zimbabwe i got your contact through Zimbabwe chambers of commerce and industry. Our country is currently facing international sanction all over the world and my effort to so speak peace into my husband(President Robert Mugabe) prove abortive because he already have a wrong notion towards the western nations intention over his removal plan and his state when he lives office.

As you know the country(Zimbabwe) is presently facing a strong epidemic and a high inflation and the pressure from the international communities to bring to bring down the regime of my husband(president Robert Mugabe) is a sure reality and when this happens i and my children might also go down with him.As the first lady of our country i have been able to use my position to raise some money from contracts which i deposited with a European diplomatic security company the sum of US$35M(Thirty Five Million US Dollars) knowing fully that our government will soon be brought down by international communities as Africa Union are beginning to take side with the international communities because of the manner at which things are degenerating in Zimbabwe.

I contacting you because I want you to go to the security company and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the consignment belong to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country.

I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, I expect you to declare what percentage of the total money you will take for your assistance. When I receive your positive response I will let you know where the security company is,the requirement and the payment pin code to claim the money which is very important.

I shall keep you updated and also instruct one of my loyalist to always keep you updated whenever my schedule is tight as i don't want my husband to know about this deposit and my proposal because my life might be in danger as you all know his kind of person.All this i am doing to assist my children as i know very soon when our regime is brought down our entire property will be confiscated along.I ask you to also pray for me to survive the internal threat i am experiencing from my husband President Robert Mugabe because as i am sending you this urgent proposal tears flow from my eyes as i am living with a human monster.

For now, let all our communication be by e-mail because My husband security network is monitoring all activities sparing no body including my humble self his wife and other family member as he do not trust any one especially this period.

Thank you and God bless you and family and please contact me through this email. Private email: gracmugabe@aol.com

MRS. GRACE MUGABE.