The End is Nigh...

Or at least, sat here, typing this, it certainly seems that way. I'll explain. I got laid off from work back at the end of September and have yet to find a new job since. I have a pitiful income courtesy of the government due to Housing Benefit. I did have Jobseekers Allowance money coming in as well, but that has been suspended for 9 weeks due to me not applying for a job back in November. The job in question was asking for Experienced Bar Staff. I have never worked in a bar in my life and thus did not apply for the job as frankly I felt it would be a waste of my time and the Bar's for me to do so. The Job Centre disagreed and decided to punish me for this by suspending my allowance until April, when it was due to expire anyway.

So I now have an income of approx £45 a week. My rent is £140 a month, and on top of that I pay the entirety of the house's Council Tax (which has been reduced due to Council Tax Benefit, but is still about £95 a month). This years is fully paid now, so that will start again in April. Also I pay 1/3rd of the cost of the energy bills that the house receives, and currently owe £145 or so to E-ON for the latest bill. I have an overdraft of about £135 with HSBC bank at the time of writing. I am also £240 in debt right now to my housemate Tony Searle who had to cover me for the rent last month and my share of the bill to our previous energy supplier EDF. So basically I'm screwed.

I have opened a new bank account with the Co-operative Bank so that my meagre income does not get swallowed up by bank charges and the overdraft, but even so the amount I receive does not cover my outgoings, so my debt is increasing. It also does not leave me with any money for things like food, drink, detergent (for washing clothes), deodorant etc. Which brings me to my next problem. I'm almost out of food.

Looking through my cupboard and the freezer I currently have the following food left:

• 1kg of rice
• 1.5 kg of pasta spirals
• 1.5kg of frozen crinkle cut chips
• 200-300g of frozen sliced peppers
• About a dozen frozen pork sausages
• 1 frozen Lasagna
• 1 frozen Singapore Noodles
• 1 frozen 800g loaf of thick sliced bread
• About 200g of mild cheddar
• About half a jar of Mixed Fruit jam
• 1 packet of potato mash mix
• 4 packets of BBQ Beef Super Noodles
• 1 sachet of some chinese stir fry sauce
• 1 tin of chicken curry
• 1 tin of chicken in white sauce

Once this has gone I will begin the process of starving. I have a single £1 coin left in my wallet with which I need to buy milk later today, in order that I can have coffee; because while starving is bad, the withdrawal headaches I would get from a lack of caffiene would be worse still. I realise that once the milk runs out (assuming the amount of coffee granules I have doesn't run out first) I will have to face the headaches anyway, but I'd rather delay that for as long as possible.

I'm out of options. I cannot move back home and in good conscience I can't ask my parents for money. Mum has helped me out with money too many times before as it is. My housemates can't help me, Gareth has financial problems of his own right now and Tony has already helped out as much as he is able too. To the best of my knowledge none of my other friends are in any better position to be able to help out either, and even if they were, I have no way of knowing when or even how I could ever repay them.

I have an interview with the Job Centre next Monday (March 5th) to discuss my situation. By the time I sit down with them I will have likely gone a couple days without food already. I will also almost certainly be suffering with a headache.

Independent Love Song

Time for another song lyric post I think and I'm a big fan of this particular song. I like how it's very different from a typical love song, as most such songs tend to extole the virtues of being in love, or falling in (or out of) love. Not this one though. This is a song that's being sung by a woman who is no stranger to sex, she states clearly that she will take men home and let them show her the way. But not with this guy. This one means more to her, and so she's going to take the time to teach him how to make love to her, because she wants this to mean more than it has before with those other men. I find that refreshing and the fact that this is sung to a powerful rythmn only adds to it's appeal.

Independent Love Song by Scarlett

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we
have isn't big or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
I'm doing it a different way

You might say this is another boring lovesong
To be together and forever be true
And so today it's much the same as it was then
I'm doing it a different way
I'm doing it a different way

I'll show you how to take me
Go down go down
And I'll show you how to turn me
Right on right on
And I'll show you how to touch me
Right on right on right on
Right on right on right on

Now it's fine that many men will look my way
And I'll take them home and let
them show me the way
And sure I'll like a few but I'll
leave the rest to play
I'm doing it a different way
I'm doing it a different way

I'm gonna show you how to take me
Go down go down
And I'll show you how to turn me
Right on right on
And I'll show you how to touch me
Right on right on right on
Right on right on right on

In a different way, in a different way
In a different way, in a different way
In a different way, in a different way

I'll show you how to take me
Go down go down me
And I'll show you how to turn me
Right on right on
And I'll show you how to touch me
Right on right on right on
Right on right on right on

You could say this was an independent lovesong
It's nothing like to us what love meant to them
But that's not to say the love we have
isn't good or that strong
I'm doing it a different way
I'm doing it a different way

Quotes From Three Movies: The Inevitable Sequel!

And here's another in my occasional series of presenting some of my favourite quotes from a trio of movies, so without further ado here we go:

X-Men: First Class (2011)

Erik Lehnsherr: Excuse me, I'm Erik Lehnsherr.
Professor Charles Xavier: Charles Xavier.
Logan: Go fuck yourself.

Professor Charles Xavier: Shaw's declared war on mankind on all of us, he has to be stopped.
Erik Lehnsherr: I am not gonna stop Shaw, I am gonna kill him. Do you have it in you to allow that?
[Erik pauses while Charles shifts in his chair uneasy]
Erik Lehnsherr: You've known all along why I was here Charles, but things have changed. What started as a covert mission, tomorrow mankind will know mutants exist. Shaw, us, they won't differentiate. They'll fear us. And that fear will turn to hatred.
Professor Charles Xavier: Not if we stop a war, not if we can prevent Shaw, not if we risk our lives doing so.
Erik Lehnsherr: Would they do the same for us?
Professor Charles Xavier: We have it in us to be the better man.
Erik Lehnsherr: We already are! We are the next stage of human evolution, you said it yourself...
Professor Charles Xavier: [cuts in] No, no...
Erik Lehnsherr: Are you really so naive as to think that they won't battle their own extinction? Or is it arrogance?
Professor Charles Xavier: [looks at Erik in disagreement] I am sorry.
Erik Lehnsherr: After tomorrow, they are gonna turn on us. But you are blinded because you believe they are all like Moira.
Professor Charles Xavier: And you believe they are all like Shaw.
[leans forward]
Professor Charles Xavier: Listen to me very carefully, my friend: killing Shaw will not bring you peace.
Erik Lehnsherr: Peace was never an option.

Erik Lehnsherr: [before Charles uses Cerebro for the first time] What an adorable lab rat you make, Charles.
Professor Charles Xavier: Don't spoil this for me, Erik.
Erik Lehnsherr: I've been a lab rat. I know when I see one.

Professor Charles Xavier: I can't stop thinking about the others out there, all those minds that I touched. I could feel them, their isolation, their hopes, their ambitions. I tell you we can start something incredible, Erik. We can help them.
Erik Lehnsherr: Can we? Identification, that's how it starts. And ends with being rounded up, experimented on and eliminated.
Professor Charles Xavier: Not this time. We have common enemies, Shaw, the Russians. They need us.
Erik Lehnsherr: For now.

The Rocketeer (1991)

Jenny: Everything about you is a lie.
Neville: It wasn't lies, Jenny. It was acting.

[Valentine and his gang have brought Secord and the rocket to Neville Sinclair]
Cliff Secord: What's it like working for a Nazi, Eddie? Does he pay you in dollars or reichsmarks?
Eddie Valentine: What's he talking about, Sinclair?
Cliff Secord: Oh, yeah Eddie! I got it straight from the Feds. Nazi spy ring, Flying Commandos, the works!
Neville: He's been flying where the air's too thin.
Jenny: Tell him about the secret room. Tell him about the Germans on the radio!
Goose: [pointing a gun at Lothar] Easy, Frankenstein. You ain't bulletproof!
Eddie Valentine: Start talking, Sinclair!
Neville: C'mon, Eddie. I'm paying you well. Does it really matter where the money comes from?
Eddie Valentine: It matters to me. I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American. I don't work for no two-bit Nazi. Let the girl go!
[Neville laughs]
Neville: Sturmabteilung, Äußern sich!

Cliff Secord: [donning the Rocketeer helmet] How do I look?
Peevy: Like a hood ornament.

Mrs. Pye, Girls Dormitory Matron: You know my rules: no gentlemen allowed inside after 6 PM.
Cliff Secord: But I'm not a gentleman.
Mrs. Pye, Girls Dormitory Matron: You're telling me.

Jenny: Oh my God. Neville Sinclair's a...
Neville: A what? Spy? Saboteur? Facist? All of the above.

Peevy: Clifford, when you borrow somethin', you don't tell nobody, they call that stealing you know.

The Sum Of All Fears (2002)

Bill Cabot: When I asked for your advice, I didn't mean that you should actually speak.

[after an unpleasant silence]
President Nemerov: [to Cabot, about Ryan] I like him.
Bill Cabot: In that case, so do I.

Bill Cabot: What's the t-shirt say?
Depot Worker: "I am a bomb technician, if you see me running...
[laughs]
Depot Worker: ... try to catch up."

Jack Ryan: General, the President is basing his decisions on some really bad information right now. And if you shut me out, your family, and my family, and twenty-five million other families will be dead in thirty minutes.

President Robert Fowler: My beautiful wife, Julie, is from New Jersey. 15 electoral votes... and is, as you know, half Jewish. So we'll take Florida's 25 electoral votes and divide by 2. My daughter, Jeanie, is expecting her first child. If it's a girl, she will be named Virginia. 13 electoral votes. In fact, even if it's a boy, he'll be named Virginia. She reminds me that I have publicly acknowledged that as a young Marine officer in Vietnam, I did, on a handful of occasions, smoke marijuana.
[pause]
President Robert Fowler: California. 54 electoral votes.

President Nemerov: I can't stop what I did not start.

President Fowler: We gotta update these fire drills, Billy. I mean, if the shit ever hits the fan, I'm not going underground. This place is a goddamn tomb down there!
Bill Cabot: We've also gotta choose someone else to face off against besides the Russians all the time.
President Fowler: Really? Let's see. Who else has 27,000 nukes for us to worry about?
Bill Cabot: It's the guy with one I'm worried about.

[Jack is negotiating with President Nemerov over the Hot Line]
Jack Ryan: Sir, I know you. I know you had nothing to do with the Baltimore bomb, and you sure as hell know you didn't! But you're still about to launch a nuclear strike against us! This no longer has anything to do with Baltimore! Now it's about fear! Our fear of your missiles, your fear of our subs, fear of being weak, fear of making a mistake... the same fear of the other guy that had us build these goddamn bombs in the first place!

Dressler: Most people believe that the 20th century was a death struggle between Communism and Capitalism, and that Fascism was but a hiccup. But today we know better. Communism was a fool's errand. The followers of Marx gone from this earth, but the followers of Hitler abound and thrive. Hitler, however, had one great disadvantage. He lived in a time when Fascism, like a virus... like the AIDS virus... needed a strong host in order to spread. Germany was that host. But Germany did not prevail. The world was too big. Fortunately, the world has changed. Global communications, cable TV, the internet. Today the world is smaller and a virus does not need a strong host in order to spread. The virus... is airborne. One more thing. Let no man call us crazy. They called Hitler crazy. But Hitler was not crazy. He was stupid. You don't fight Russia *and* America. You get Russia and America to fight each other... and destroy each other.

Happy Birthday To Me

So I turned 36 years old today and while the day itself has gone rather well, what with lunch at Pizza Hut and then a couple movies back to back (Puss in Boots and The Darkest Hour), both of which were in 3D and I enjoyed them both, it is hard to go through the day without looking back on the year just gone and ahead to what comes next.

My 36th year did not go well really. I lost my job, failed to find a new one and my weight and debt both increased. The only silver lining really is that at least the migraines that I suffered from seem to have eased off of late (though I'm pretty sure the 2 large bottles of Jacque's cider I intend on drinking before heading to bed tonight will see to it that I have a headache tomorrow). I have less of a sense of self worth than ever, and the bouts of depression I get are getting worse and lasting longer. I seem to suffer from aches and pains more, especially in my right shoulder and that side of my neck.

So what is there to look forward too? Well hopefully a job will happen at some point, I'm applying for plenty and at some point one of these companies has to actually respond to my CV, or at least I hope so. I'm slowly getting better at painting figures, and my army whilst still very small at the moment is beginning to take shape and will, I'm sure, look very impressive when it's all done. I need to lose weight but I do not have the willpower needed to do so, not by myself. Truth is, I simply don't care about myself and have not done so for so long now that I'm not actually sure how to start doing so again.

I know that the year ahead will not see me find that "special someone" and so the profound sense of loneliness that I feel at all times will only get worse. As I've posted about before, I am the proverbial nice guy who always finishes last and so I'll go unnoticed and unloved whilst listening and reading about friends boyfriends and such taking them for granted, or treating them poorly. As the Abba song goes "If you're all alone, when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me" but I know that no-one ever will because the world doesn't work that way. Even were I to lose the weight, I'd still be a poor, balding geeky guy. I think in part that's what stops me bothering to try and slim down, because I doubt I'd be any happier as a thin guy than I am now as a fat one. At least now I can eat what I like.

So here's to being 36 years old and a toast to the only thing I really achieved last year... getting one year closer to being dead. Such a pity that there's so many more years ahead of me.

Progress Being Made... Mostly

So I finally finished off some of my Space Marines. Woo hooo!!! I completed the 10 man Tactical Squad and the Razorback Tank (with both of its turret choices) that I'd had on the go for ages, as well as start and finish painting the Contemptor Dreadnought that I bought myself as a Xmas present, as frankly it was way too nice a model to leave alone. I've magnetised the arm sockets and the weapons (currently an Assault Cannon and a Close Combat Arm with built-in Storm Bolter but I plan on getting more arms as soon as I can afford them). which was devilishly tricky to do, but very happy with the finished result as it gives the model far more versatility than it would have had otherwise.

However, as lovely as it is to get those off the To-Do List and onto my display shelf, my Housemate Gareth went and bought me a Space Marine Bike for Xmas. Not an Attack Bike, Tony bought me one of those, but a regular bike, which means I now need to buy more of them in order to be able to actually field it. I don't have the money to do that right now, but when I do I'll be getting another 7 of them so that along with the Attack Bike I can field a full unit of 10, which should be pretty awesome.

I plan on getting the Ravenwing Battalion Box, which is pretty cool. While I don't play Dark Angels, it has 6 Bikes, another Attack Bike (which along with the one my brother Rhys is getting for my birthday next week will also give me the option to instead field a unit of 3 Attack Bikes), and a Land Speeder too, along with a ton of bits for customising figures and vehicles. I also need to get a bunch of the sculpted shoulder pads from Games Workshop bits Mail Order as frankly I'm terrible at using transfers and I think they look better anyway. My eventual goal is to have the entire Third Company of the Imperial Fists, plus support from the First and Tenth companies, but that's more of a long term thing. I'm not in any hurry to assemble and paint up another 4 Tactical Squads, one yes, four NO!

I was suppossed to be clearing space on my painting desk, but as I type this sat on it behind me are the assembled forms of 5 Scouts and 5 Assault Marines with Jump Packs and I'm about a third of the way through assembling the other 5 Assault Marines. The reason for this is that my circle of friends have formed a league for our Warhammer 40,000 battles and I have my first match tomorrow, a grudge match against Richie's Eldar. Last time I whupped the floor with them, so he's eager for revenge. Should be fun.

Pain

Hello 2012... I hate you already.

This is because since waking up on New Years Day I've had a truly ridiculous amount of pain in the right side of my neck and also the shoulder/arm joint on that side. I've taken painkillers and they do nothing. I've applied Deep Heat muscle rub to try and soothe the pain, which did nothing. Slept flat on my back last night, and that didn't help either, if anything the pain is worse today than it was yesterday and it was at times making me gasp then.

I can relieve the pain by lying down, which for a time alleviates it somewhat as the weight of my head is no longer sat on my neck, but I can't just lie on my back all day doing nothing. I somehow need to get to the shops and buy a few things, as I'm out of bread, cold meat, pop, sugar and almost out of milk too. Simply getting to the shops is going to be a herculean effort, yet alone the problem of how I'm meant to carry my purchases back with me.

What truly annoys me about this isn't the pain so much (though it is very annoying), it's more that I don't know how I hurt myself and so don't know what not to do to prevent it happening again. I went to bed early on New Year's Eve, skipping the party that friends were attending as I just didn't feel like attending. By 11pm I was sound asleep, only to wake up in the early hours in agony. There are times I feel like I was born to suffer, this would be one of them.