Blue Eyes

So I got sent this and felt... what the hell, worth a try. I mean it can't hurt, even if the following passage doesn't really describe me at all aside from the colour of my eyes.

People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships. They are kind, pretty or handsome, very good kissers and are really hot. They always fall in love with their closest friends and never understand why. They are very funny, outgoing and don't care what people think or say. They are very satisfying and love to please. Are straight up WARRIORS when necessary. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

Thought I would post an amusing modern version of this classic poem. Hope you enjoy it, I know it made me laugh.

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

I Won The Lottery... Again!

Yay another lotery win, I must be the luckiest man alive. No need to have a job, as I win the lottery a couple times a week and essentially have an income greater than that of any Premiere League footballer... *sighs* if only. Alas this is of course yet another scam email that I've been sent. I've posted it below for your reading amusement exactly as it was sent to me, typos and all. Enjoy!

Uk National Lottery Award Team
Ref: LSUK/2031/8161/07
Batch: R3/A312-59

Dear Winner,

This is to inform you that, you have won a prize money of Eight Hundred &
Fifty Two Thousand,United Kingdom Pounds(£852,000.00) for the month of
December 2007 Lottery promotion which is organized by UK NATIONAL LOTTERY
AWARD TEAM, collects all the email addresses of the people that are active
online, we only select ten people every Month as our winners through
electronic balloting System without the winner applying, we congratulate
you for being one of the people selected.

PAYMENT OF PRIZE AND CLAIM

You are to contact your Claims Agent with immediate effect to facilitate
the protocol of your winning prized before the date of Claim, Winners
Shall be paid in accordance with his/her Settlement Center.Prize must be
claimed not later than 14 days from date of Draw Notification after the
Draw date in which Prize Was won. Any prize not claimed within this
period will be forfeited.

These are your identification numbers:
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS ATTACHED TO TICKET NUMBER 56475600545 188
WITH SERIAL NUMBER 5368/07
DREW LUCKY NUMBERS 47-14-18-23-31-45
To begin your claim please contact our licensed and accredited agent
assigned to you

MR. GRAHAM SMITH
CLAIM AGENT OFFICER
Email: uknlclaimsagent008@yahoo.co.uk
PHONE: +44 70457 72800
You are therefore advised to send the following information to the claims
agent to facilitate them and in order for them to have access in
proceeding of your winning.

1. Full Name................
2. Country..................
3. Contact Address..........
4. Telephone Number.........
5. Marital Status...........
6. Occupation...............
7. Company..................
8. Age......................
9. Sex......................

After this period will automatically void your payment. Remember to quote
your ticket number in your future correspondence. (identification on
delivery)

Congratulations!! once again.
Yours in service,
DR. TIMOTHY COLE.
(Operation Manager).

A Letter From Kaburi Yusuf

Yay!! The idiotic scammers of the world were reliable enough to provide me with yet another example of their stupidity. Have a read of what Mr. Yusuf has sent me (and likely hundreds, if not thousands of others also):

FROM MR. KABURI YUSUF
THE AUDITING MANAGER BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU- BURKINA FASO
Dear Friend,

I am the auditing manager of BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) Ouagadougou, BURKINA FASO,WEST AFRICA.

I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that you will keep this as top secret and don't be scared or surprised, i am the auditing manager of BANK OF AFRICA and i have an opportunity to transfer the sum of US$10.5MILLION (TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATE DOLLARS)

I have the courage to look for a reliable and Honest Person who will be capable for this important business Transaction, believing that you will never let me down either now or in Future.

The owner of this account is MR RON MORRIS, a foreigner and he is the Manager Of petrol chemical service, a chemical engineer by Proffession.He died with his entire family, they were among the victims of December 25, 2003 Air-Crash Incident in Benin Republic.

Since then, The bank has made series of efforts to contact any of the relatives to claim this fund but without success, you can confirm through this website:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/

My Investigation as the bank auditing manager proved to me as well that his company does not know anything About this account.
I want to transfer this fund into a safe foreign account abroad and I know that this message will come to you as a surprise as we don't know ourselves before,but be sure that it is real And A Genuine business.

Hope that you will never let me down in this transaction.

At the conclusion of this business,you will be giving 40% of the total amount, 50% will be for me and 10% for any expenses the may accured during the transaction.
I looking forward to your earliest reply for more details.

Best regards
KABURI YUSUF

A Letter From Mrs. Judith Lancer

Well this is a new approach to the standard "You've won the lottery" scam I suppose, though it is still transparently obvious that is a scam. A charitable grant for educational and business development that is given out to 100 random people worldwide? Pull the other one, it's got bells on! Here for your entertainment is the letter in its entirety:

The Église catholique en France(www.cef.fr) would like to notify you that you have been chosen by the board of trustees as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant-Donation for your own personal, educational, and business development. The Église catholique en France, established 1977 by the Multi-Million groups and now supported by the Economic Community for West African States (ECOWAS), United Nations Organization (UNO) and the European Union (EU) was conceived with the objective of human growth, educational, and community development.

In conjunction with the ECOWAS, UNO and the EU, We are giving out a
yearly donation of USD850,000.00 each to 100 lucky recipients. These specific Donations/Grants will be awarded to 100 lucky international recipients worldwide, in different categories.

Based on the random selection exercise of internet websites and millions of supermarket cash invoices worldwide, you were selected
amongst the lucky recipients to receive the award sum of
USD850,000.00 as charity donations-aid.

You are required to contact the Executive Secretary below, for
qualification documentation and processing of your claims. Please
endeavor to quote your Qualification numbers (CEF-080-2998-2996) in
all discussions.

Executive Secretary: Rev. Michael Dominique
Email: michaeldominique1@yahoo.fr


On behalf of the Board kindly, accept our warmest congratulations.

Regards,
Mrs. Judith Lancer.

Another Lottery Win

Two in one day, not bad going eh? I'm raking in the imaginary millions here!

AWARD WINNING INFORMATION PLEASE RESPOND URGENTLY.

Refrence NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/07.
BATCH NUMBER: 14/011/IPD.
ticket number: 50941465206-529.


Your email address has won the sum of $1,000.000.00 (USD) only in the December 2007 microsoft electronic free email lottary. please contact the under signed for your award.

Dr.Karl Peterson.
TEL: +31-630-255-305,FAX: +31-847-516-031.
Email: netpointsbv@aol.co.uk


Best regards,

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs.Gregge Van Der Hoofd.

I Won A Hoax Lottery!

A bit of a change in the type of junkmail I'm posting here today. This is another type I get sent with some regularity, namely the scam email that claims I've won a large sum of money and all I need to do is provide some details to claim it. These emails are entirely bogus, and the people running them will try to get you to part with your money for "administrative costs" and the like. You won't of course ever actually get your suppossed prize money. So without further ado from me, here's a new mail to have a laugh at:

AWARD NOTICE
POSTCODE LOTERIJ NL.
RESULTS FOR CATEGORY "B" DRAWS
Ticket Number: NL/BC336791/HY07.

In view of the yearly sweepstake of
the above named organization held recently we are pleased to inform you
that your e-mail address attached to the above ticket Number:
NL/BC336791/HY07,Prized Number: 2941XG and Lucky number 5256JA, came up
in the first dip.This invariably means that you have emerged as the
prize winner of the sum of €1,500,000.00 Euros{One Million,Five Hundred
Thousand Euros} in the second category.
Be informed that all
participants were selected from a random computing ballot system.This
charitable sweepstake is sponsored by postcdeloterij.nl and government
parastatals.It is in your best interest and to avoid mix up of numbers
and names of any kind that we request you

keep the entire details of
your winning strictly from public notice until the process of
transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to
your account.This is part of our security protocol to avoid double
claims and unscrupulous acts by participants/ non participants of this
program.

To claim your winning,you should contact the OFFICIAL and
APPROVED paying bank here in Holland-Netherlands urgently:-

Dr.M.
Richard.
PostBank BL
www.postbank.nl
Email: mricharpostbnk@aim.com

You are also advice to furnish them with the following information:-

Your Names:-
Telephone / Fax-
Your Nationality{Your country of Origin}-
E-Ticket number-
Prize Number-
Congratulations once again from
management and staff of this company,and thanking you for being a lucky
winner of our promotions program.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Mariam Roosje -Hoo
NATIONALE POSTCODE LOTERIJ Promotion
www.postcodeloterij.nl

A Letter From Ejner Andersen

Yep, I got another one of these scam emails in the post today. Have a read of the latest idiots efforts to part me from my money! As always I've posted the letter exactly how it came to me, with typos, line breaks etc intact. Ohh yeah and to be sure he got my attention, this loser sent me the same email 3 times!

Attention,



It is with heartfelt hope that I write to seek your co-operation and assistance in the context stated below, I am Mr.Ejner Andersen, the personal assistant to the Late Mr. Richard Williams. I got your contact during my search for a reliable person I could do business with, though I do not know you but I seek to ask a favor from you as this will sincerely benefit the both of us and all parties involved.



My Late Boss was an Executive Officer of a leading Oil and Servicing Firm for 10 years and he was retired on the 28th day of September 2006. After a month, He and his entire family died on their way to a Conference in an Automobile crash on the 11th day of November 2006.



Before his death my Boss had a total sum of $10,500,000.00(USD) with a Financier House in Europe, hoping of transferring the funds to his Country {United Kingdom} after his retirement as soon as he comes back from the conference. According to the {DEED OF WILL} made be my late Boss, He wrote {DEED OF WILL} that if anything should happen to him, that I should make sure I locate any of his family members.



Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for close to a year now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased. I agree to pay you 50% of the fund as the account owner, 50% for me.



Please do provide the following information for the application processing.

1. Your full name:

2. Contact address:

3. Email:

4. Phone number for verbal communication:

5. Age (Date of Birth):

6. Occupation:

All this information will enable me write an application to the company on your behalf, and present you to the company as the real next of kin to my late Boss. All required is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this business successful. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement which will protect you from any breach of the law.



Late Richard Williams was a very good man and it is not wise for me to allow his hard earned wealth to be stolen by the greedy directors of the Company. Please note that this email is with no intent of getting you upset in anyway but just a proposal I believe will be of mutual benefit to both of us. I strongly await your urgent response for effective process.



Regards,

Ejner Andersen.

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Anyone who knows me well will know (or should) that I hate political correctness. It is the art of taking a good intention and twisting it into a weapon and wielding it then with fanatical zeal. It is nothing short of insane to try to make two sexes into one essentially genderless society. We humans thrive on our differences. Women fascinate and entice us Men because they are different. Men enchant and seduce Women because they find us fascinating. And so the human race continues. But these days, what started out as a well meant intention to iron out a few creases in relationships between the sexes, has become a liberal crusade to undo what makes Men and Women what they are.

So here's a poem that I grabbed from the Alter Realm Message Boards, where it was posted by my very good friend Vickie. And it's a poem that to the tune of "Twas the Night Before Christmas", points out just how crazy this era of supposed Political Corectness is.

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...