Still Never Been Kissed

This is an updated version of the entry "Never Been Kissed", as I felt it useful to post a more current version of that confessional entry.

The title refers to, well probably my worst kept secret. I just turned thirty three years old on January 16th. And I've never been kissed. Okay that's not strictly true, I mean my Mum's kissed me, relatives have kissed me, heck a bully named Steven Woodland at school kissed me, simply to get a laugh from everyone else. But a romantic kiss? A passionate kiss? A drunken "You'll do, c'mere" kiss? None of the above. Not even a good luck kiss, a Happy New Year kiss, or a "Ohhh mistletoe" kiss.

Is that a great secret? Maybe, maybe not. So lets not stop there, while I'm baring my soul, let's go for broke. It really isn't that big a step anyway. I mean it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if I've never kissed a girl... I've never gotten any further with one either. So I'm the V word. In a purity test I normally rate in the high 90's percentage wise.

So do I feel like less of a man because I've not scored, pulled, carved a notch in a bedpost etc? I'm honestly not sure. I know back when I was in University in my early twenties, then yeah, I regarded still being a virgin as this great failing on my part. But now?

I think part of the reason why I don't feel that way anymore, is that I have nothing to compare the experience too. If I'd had the kissing, the hugs, the cuddles etc then yeah, I'd be stoked for what comes next. But I've never had any of that, the best time I've ever had with a woman, was a couple hours spent snuggled up on the sofa with my ex-girlfriend Dana watching cartoons. And as much as I'm curious as to what a kiss is like, I'm scared too. Women can be a pretty unforgiving lot, us blokes don't often get a second chance to impress, and being labelled a bad kisser (or bad in bed) is a hard tag to get past for even a young guy.

I'm getting older and I'm not getting any better looking (at least I don't think so anyway). Perhaps on some cosmic level it all makes sense. I mean all things have an equal and opposite according to Newton's Law anyway. So for all those guys out there who ooze charisma and have women throwing themselves (and various items of their clothing) at them, I guess there have to exist guys like me to balance things out.

This is not to say that I am happy being one of these cosmic balancing acts. Being the nice guy who always finishes last frankly sucks. But try as I might to change things and improve my lot in life, it just never works out. Life it seems has a role for me to play and no matter what I do, it seems that I'm doomed to fill it. Were it not for a promise I stupidly made years ago I would have killed myself by now. I certainly tried a few times to do just that before making it.

More than anything in the world I want someone to share life with, a partner to live, laugh and love with. And I'm so fucking sick and tired of the platitudes people spout to try and cheer me up. Bullshit like "It'll happen when you least expect it" and "There's someone out there for you". Three times now I've fallen in love. Three times now I've had my heart broken.

There is a limit to how much pain anyone can take and I'm at my limit. I can't take the pain, the misery, and most of all the crushing loneliness anymore. I want out. And every day that goes by, that promise holds less and less hold over me. I've never broken my word if it is freely given... first time for everything!