Happy Birthday To Me

So I turned 36 years old today and while the day itself has gone rather well, what with lunch at Pizza Hut and then a couple movies back to back (Puss in Boots and The Darkest Hour), both of which were in 3D and I enjoyed them both, it is hard to go through the day without looking back on the year just gone and ahead to what comes next.

My 36th year did not go well really. I lost my job, failed to find a new one and my weight and debt both increased. The only silver lining really is that at least the migraines that I suffered from seem to have eased off of late (though I'm pretty sure the 2 large bottles of Jacque's cider I intend on drinking before heading to bed tonight will see to it that I have a headache tomorrow). I have less of a sense of self worth than ever, and the bouts of depression I get are getting worse and lasting longer. I seem to suffer from aches and pains more, especially in my right shoulder and that side of my neck.

So what is there to look forward too? Well hopefully a job will happen at some point, I'm applying for plenty and at some point one of these companies has to actually respond to my CV, or at least I hope so. I'm slowly getting better at painting figures, and my army whilst still very small at the moment is beginning to take shape and will, I'm sure, look very impressive when it's all done. I need to lose weight but I do not have the willpower needed to do so, not by myself. Truth is, I simply don't care about myself and have not done so for so long now that I'm not actually sure how to start doing so again.

I know that the year ahead will not see me find that "special someone" and so the profound sense of loneliness that I feel at all times will only get worse. As I've posted about before, I am the proverbial nice guy who always finishes last and so I'll go unnoticed and unloved whilst listening and reading about friends boyfriends and such taking them for granted, or treating them poorly. As the Abba song goes "If you're all alone, when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me" but I know that no-one ever will because the world doesn't work that way. Even were I to lose the weight, I'd still be a poor, balding geeky guy. I think in part that's what stops me bothering to try and slim down, because I doubt I'd be any happier as a thin guy than I am now as a fat one. At least now I can eat what I like.

So here's to being 36 years old and a toast to the only thing I really achieved last year... getting one year closer to being dead. Such a pity that there's so many more years ahead of me.